The Lockdown Diaries

This has to be the most surreal time of everybody’s life right now, yeah? I literally feel like i’m in a movie. A bad one at that. And I doubt I’m alone on that front. The globe is literally at a standstill and if i’m honest, I think the effects of this are going to be felt for a very, very long time. It breaks my heart that so many people are losing their lives and that healthcare workers are so exhausted and stretched beyond belief already. Every time I watch the news my heart pretty much sinks to my stomach. And again, I doubt i’m alone on that front.

From a personal perspective I was already terrified when this kicked off though I didn’t show it. Like pretty much everybody else, I have people close to me that are vulnerable and I would protect at all costs. I had a period of real guilt as I continued to work before the lockdown and I was scared that I would be responsible for something terrible happening to somebody else. But I need to earn a living and i’ve got responsibilities that can see me sued or in court pretty quickly if I don’t take them seriously. For those that don’t know, I work as a lawyer so from our perspective, it’s tenterhooks as to what will happen to the market following this. I know it’s not the primary concern right now, far from it, but the last big crash hit our profession hard and particularly as a commercial lawyer, I expect that I might have to adapt quickly to keep myself in work this year. I still have bills and responsibilities like everybody else and of course it worries me.

Things change and i’ve seen that they change QUICKLY at the minute and it’s given many of us a lot of time to reflect and re-evaluate whilst we’re in isolation. Personally, I’m wondering what my next steps will be both professionally and personally. I had contemplated taking a job outside of NI last year and decided against it in the end for a few different reasons. Maybe that will change again? Or maybe our jobs won’t get hit in the way i’m expecting and I can continue growing my career here? I don’t know. But it’s something I’ll be thinking about over the next month or two and deciding what’s the right move for me.

In terms of my personal life, I also found myself single again a week ago, the day before the official “lockdown” kicked in so not great timing to say the least, but sure. It’s also got me thinking about what I want going forward. I have barely been single since I was 15 years of age and believe it or not I’ve actively tried to avoid getting into relationships quickly but the more I’ve tried to avoid it, the more it’s just happened. I’ve just “sparked” with someone and that’s been it. I’m actually quite comfortable on my own. I quite like who I am as a person and I’m not the type that needs a lot of attention. I’ve a great group of people around me and because of that, I don’t tend to get lonely. Plus I’ve learnt a lesson and gotten much better at reaching out to people when I’m struggling since my difficult period last year. But on this logic, if I try to stay single, I’ll end up with someone, so maybe I should “try” to find someone to avoid it? The mind boggles.

Either way, I’ve been on a steep learning curve for the past year. About people and life generally so for me, this all feels like the crescendo in my own head lol. Unfortunately, I’ve learnt most of the lessons the hard way by being a bit naiive and too open or trusting of people and what they tell you. I’ve also weirdly learnt that my life is somehow of great interest to people that I have zero interest in myself. I’ve had people creep my social media for months hoping for some “gossip” or outright message me complete madness. You wouldn’t believe some of the things that have happened even if I was to tell you. It definitely made me question my judge of character on a few occasions as well as the braincells of people I don’t even know.

But the key thing that I’ve learnt is to not to let anything bad that happens compromise who I am for anything. It’s not always easy though. When you’re dealt a crap hand, it’s easy to get angry or frustrated and trust me, in the past 18 months it’s sometimes felt like i’ve had zero luck. It’s almost laughable.

But, thinking about it all so much this week, I asked myself, in the past year would I change much and the answer surprised me cause, actually no, I wouldn’t change anything really. Maybe a wee thing here or there but nothing major. Everything teaches us something. I don’t feel remotely bitter about anything which is a nice feeling that I wouldn’t have expected at this stage if i’m really honest. I actually feel pretty good right now and i’m quite excited for whatever goodness the future holds for me.

The coronavirus madness is so much bigger than anything else right now. Anything else in comparison just kinda feels a bit silly. Let’s face it, if my job isn’t safe, I’ll get another. I’m quite good at what I do. I’ll also meet the right person when I’m meant to. I’m a good girlfriend and i’ve a lot to give someone. Being fancy free isn’t a bad thing by any standards. Perspective is the best thing you can have. There’s people at the minute who are losing loved ones, who are working ridiculous hours to help those in need, who are frightened that they might not survive all of this. Those are the real problems aren’t they?

So there’s the 360 from my wee mind this week. Is anybody else using their isolation period for some soul searching or is it getting to me and I just don’t realise it?

Lynsey xox

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